You and your partner are having the same argument again. Maybe it started over something small, like who forgot to pay a bill or a comment that felt dismissive. But within minutes, you are flooded with emotions that feel far bigger than the situation warrants. Your chest tightens. Your voice rises. Or maybe you shut down completely, unable to find words while your partner looks at you with frustration, wondering why you have disappeared behind a wall.
If this pattern feels familiar, you are not alone. Many couples in Austin, Lakeway, Westlake, and Bee Cave come to my practice feeling desperate and confused about why their relationship keeps hitting the same painful walls. They love each other. They want to make things work. But something keeps pulling them into cycles of disconnection, defensiveness, or emotional shutdown that they cannot seem to break.
What many people do not realize is that these patterns often have roots that reach far deeper than the present moment. The way you respond to your partner today may be shaped by experiences from years or even decades ago. Wounds you thought were healed, or perhaps never fully acknowledged, can show up uninvited in your most intimate relationship. They create barriers to the connection you long for, and no amount of willpower seems to change them.
This is where EMDR therapy can offer something profoundly different. As a therapist specializing in couples therapy and trauma work in the Austin area, I have witnessed how addressing these deeper wounds can transform not just how you feel about your past, but how you show up in your relationship right now.
Understanding How Trauma Shows Up in Your Relationship
When most people hear the word trauma, they think of major catastrophic events. And while experiences like abuse, accidents, or significant losses certainly qualify, trauma can also stem from experiences that might seem less dramatic on the surface but were deeply impactful to your developing sense of self and safety.
Perhaps you grew up in a home where emotions were dismissed or punished. Maybe you experienced rejection during formative years that taught you relationships were not safe. You might have witnessed conflict between your parents that left you believing love inevitably leads to pain. Or you may have experienced a betrayal in a past relationship that shattered your ability to trust.
These experiences leave imprints on your nervous system. They shape the lens through which you interpret your partner’s words and actions. They can trigger responses that feel automatic and overwhelming, as if your body is reacting to a threat from the past while your mind knows you are in the present with someone who loves you.
For couples navigating intimacy challenges, communication breakdowns, or the aftermath of infidelity, understanding this connection between past and present is essential. The frustration you feel when your partner does not respond the way you need might be amplified by every time your needs went unmet as a child. The fear that floods you when your partner pulls away might be echoing an abandonment you experienced long before you met them.
The Science Behind Why Past Wounds Stay Present
Your brain is designed to protect you. When you experience something painful or threatening, especially during childhood when your nervous system is still developing, your brain stores that experience in a way that allows you to recognize and respond to similar threats in the future. This is an adaptive survival mechanism that served you well at one time.
The challenge is that your brain does not always distinguish between past threats and present safety. When something in your current relationship triggers a memory or feeling associated with past pain, your nervous system can respond as if the original threat is happening right now. This is why you might find yourself having reactions that feel disproportionate to what is actually occurring between you and your partner.
Unprocessed memories are stored differently than ordinary memories. They remain vivid, emotionally charged, and easily activated. When triggered, they can hijack your ability to think clearly, communicate effectively, and stay emotionally present with your partner. You might know intellectually that your partner is not your critical parent or your unfaithful ex, but your body responds as if they are.
This is the cycle that keeps so many couples stuck. One partner gets triggered and reacts from a place of old pain. The other partner, not understanding what is happening, reacts to that reaction. Before long, both people are caught in a dance of hurt, misunderstanding, and disconnection that has very little to do with the actual issue at hand.
What is EMDR Therapy and How Does It Work
EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Developed by psychologist Francine Shapiro in the late 1980s, EMDR has become one of the most extensively researched and validated treatments for trauma and post-traumatic stress. Organizations including the American Psychological Association and the World Health Organization recognize EMDR as an effective treatment for trauma.
Unlike traditional talk therapy, which primarily engages the cognitive parts of your brain, EMDR works with the way traumatic memories are stored in your nervous system. During EMDR sessions, I guide you through a process that allows your brain to reprocess distressing memories, reducing their emotional charge and helping you integrate them in a healthier way.
The process involves recalling distressing experiences while simultaneously focusing on external stimuli. This typically includes side-to-side eye movements, though tapping or auditory tones can also be used. This bilateral stimulation appears to activate your brain’s natural healing processes, similar to what occurs during REM sleep when your brain processes daily experiences.
What makes EMDR particularly powerful is that you do not have to talk extensively about the traumatic experience or complete homework assignments between sessions. The healing happens through the reprocessing that occurs during our sessions together. Many people find relief from symptoms that years of other approaches had not resolved.
How EMDR Can Transform Your Relationship
When you carry unprocessed trauma, it affects every aspect of how you relate to your partner. You might struggle with trust, even when your partner has given you no reason to doubt them. You might have difficulty with physical intimacy because past experiences have made vulnerability feel unsafe. You might react with anger or withdrawal when you feel criticized because criticism once meant something far more threatening.
EMDR therapy can help break these patterns by addressing the root cause rather than just managing symptoms. When traumatic memories are properly processed, they lose their power to hijack your present-moment experience. The memory remains, but the intense emotional charge dissipates. You can remember what happened without being flooded by the feelings associated with it.
For couples, this shift can be transformative. When you are no longer constantly defending against perceived threats from the past, you have more capacity to be present with your partner. You can hear their feedback without feeling attacked. You can experience intimacy without your body bracing for danger. You can navigate conflict from a place of curiosity rather than reactivity.
I have worked with many couples in Austin, Lakeway, and the surrounding areas who felt like they were on the verge of becoming roommates or ending their relationship entirely. Often, one or both partners were carrying wounds that made true intimacy feel impossible, no matter how much they loved each other. By addressing these underlying traumas through EMDR alongside couples therapy work, they were able to finally break free from patterns that had kept them stuck for years.
Common Signs That Past Trauma May Be Affecting Your Relationship
Understanding whether unresolved trauma might be contributing to your relationship struggles is an important first step. While every person and relationship is unique, certain patterns often indicate that past wounds are showing up in your present connection.
You might notice that you have intense emotional reactions that seem disproportionate to the situation at hand. A minor disagreement escalates quickly, or a small disappointment leaves you feeling devastated. These outsized responses often signal that current experiences are activating older, deeper pain.
Difficulty with trust can be another indicator, especially if your partner has been consistent and trustworthy but you still find yourself waiting for them to hurt or leave you. This hypervigilance often stems from past experiences of betrayal or abandonment that have taught your nervous system to expect the worst.
Challenges with physical or emotional intimacy frequently have roots in past trauma. If you find yourself pulling away when your partner gets too close, struggling to be vulnerable, or experiencing physical symptoms during intimate moments, your body may be responding to unprocessed experiences.
You might also notice patterns of people-pleasing or difficulty expressing your needs. If you learned early that your needs did not matter or that expressing them led to negative consequences, you may have developed strategies of accommodation that now leave you feeling invisible or resentful in your relationship.
Perfectionism and fear of failure can also trace back to early experiences. If mistakes were met with harsh criticism or punishment, you might struggle to be imperfect with your partner, creating distance rather than the closeness that comes from accepting each other’s humanity.
The EMDR Therapy Process: What to Expect
If you are considering EMDR therapy, understanding what the process involves can help you feel more prepared and comfortable. While every therapeutic journey is personalized based on your unique history and needs, EMDR generally follows a structured approach that unfolds over several phases.
During our initial sessions, I focus on getting to know you and understanding what brings you to therapy. For individuals, this means exploring your history, your current struggles, and your goals. For couples, I typically see both partners together first to understand the relationship dynamics, followed by individual sessions with each partner to gather personal and family-of-origin history. This thorough assessment helps me understand how past experiences might be showing up in your present relationship.
Before beginning the reprocessing work, I ensure you have adequate resources for managing emotional distress. This preparation phase involves teaching you techniques for grounding yourself and regulating your nervous system. These tools become valuable both during EMDR sessions and in your daily life and relationship.
The reprocessing phase is where the core work of EMDR happens. I guide you through targeting specific memories or experiences that are connected to your current struggles. Using bilateral stimulation, we work together to allow your brain to process these experiences in a new way. You remain in control throughout the process, and we move at a pace that feels manageable for you.
After reprocessing, we work on strengthening positive beliefs and ensuring that the changes integrate into your daily life and relationship. Many people notice shifts in how they feel and respond to triggers relatively quickly, though the overall length of treatment depends on the complexity of your history and goals.
EMDR as Part of Comprehensive Couples Work
While EMDR is a powerful tool for individual healing, its benefits extend into your relationship in meaningful ways. In my practice serving couples throughout Austin, Westlake, Bee Cave, and Lakeway, I often integrate trauma work with couples therapy approaches to address both individual wounds and relationship patterns.
Sometimes one partner may benefit from EMDR to address specific traumas that are affecting the relationship. In other cases, both partners carry wounds that need attention. The couples therapy work provides a container for understanding how your individual histories interact and create the dynamics between you, while EMDR offers a pathway for healing the underlying experiences that fuel those dynamics.
For couples recovering from infidelity, this integrated approach can be particularly valuable. The betrayed partner often experiences symptoms similar to post-traumatic stress, including intrusive thoughts, hypervigilance, and emotional flooding. EMDR can help process the trauma of the betrayal itself while couples therapy addresses rebuilding trust and reconnection.
Couples working to rediscover intimacy after years of disconnection also benefit from this comprehensive approach. Often, both partners have developed protective patterns that made sense in the context of their histories but now prevent the vulnerability required for deep connection. Addressing these patterns at their roots, rather than just the surface, creates lasting change.
Taking the First Step Toward Healing
Recognizing that past wounds might be affecting your present relationship takes courage. It means acknowledging that some of the struggles between you and your partner may have roots in experiences that happened long before you met. This can bring up complicated feelings, including grief for what you experienced and what it has cost you.
But this recognition also opens the door to genuine transformation. When you understand that your reactions are not character flaws or signs that your relationship is doomed, but rather echoes of past experiences that can be healed, hope becomes possible. You are not stuck with these patterns forever.
If you find yourself feeling sad, frustrated, angry, or lonely in your relationship despite still loving your partner, know that these feelings make sense. They often reflect a longing for connection that keeps getting interrupted by wounds that have not yet healed. The desire to feel the way you felt when you first met, to be romantic loving partners again, to truly understand each other: these are beautiful and worthwhile goals.
EMDR therapy offers a pathway toward these goals that works differently than approaches you may have tried before. By addressing how traumatic experiences are stored in your nervous system, it can create shifts that talk therapy alone sometimes cannot achieve. Combined with skilled couples therapy work, it can help you break free from cycles that have kept you stuck and build the intimate, connected relationship you both deserve.
Beginning Your Healing Journey in Austin
My practice welcomes individuals and couples from Austin, Lakeway, Westlake, Bee Cave, and surrounding areas who are ready to explore how past experiences might be affecting their present relationships. Whether you are struggling with communication breakdowns, intimacy challenges, trust issues after infidelity, or simply feeling like roommates despite wanting so much more, I am here to help.
The intake process is designed to create a supportive and collaborative beginning to our work together. After you reach out, we will schedule an initial session where I will learn more about what brings you in, explore your goals, and share how I work. Before the session, you will complete a brief intake form covering background information and practice policies. Our first sessions focus on understanding your concerns, identifying focus areas, and setting a pace that feels right for you.
Once care is established, you can expect a consistent, supportive process tailored to your evolving needs. Sessions focus on the goals we identify together while allowing space for new insights or challenges that arise. I provide a mix of reflection, practical tools, and accountability, always aiming to help you grow in self-awareness and move toward meaningful change.
You do not have to keep living the same painful patterns. You do not have to accept disconnection and frustration as inevitable parts of long-term relationship. And you do not have to figure this out alone.
If you are curious about whether EMDR therapy might help you heal the past wounds that are affecting your present relationship, I encourage you to reach out. Together, we can explore what is keeping you stuck and create a path toward the connected, intimate relationship you long for. Contact my practice today to learn more about scheduling and how we might work together.
